I've Been Thinking about Judgement

and how it gets a bad wrap

I’ve been thinking about judgement. How fearful we are about judgement from others. How judgement can be so good for us and can fuel creativity, innovation, and survival, but if used incorrectly can be the source of deep pain. 

Judgers get a bad wrap. I see it often when I voice an opinion about something, so let’s be clear about what “judgement” is. Merriam-Webster defines the word “judgement” as the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing. The Oxford Languages defines it as the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions, and the Brittanica Dictionary defines it as an opinion or decision that is based on careful thought.

When you read these definitions, does judgement really sound like such a bad thing? 

The judging part of me fuels my talent and discerning eye. If I wasn’t judging whether I thought something was “good” or “bad” I wouldn’t also think of how I could either emulate the good or fix the bad, and therefore I would not be a designer worth hiring.  

As you would imagine, this is a double-edged sword, and if you are a fellow judger and appreciator of beautiful things, you know the two sides well and know how debilitating the negative side of our judgement can be. 

If you don’t mind indulging me for a minute, I would like to give you the backstory of my judgmental life.

I was raised in a pretty orthodox religious home, in a high-demand religion that fueled my judging personality. It’s what shaped me in so many great ways, and I also found it pretty crippling at many times as well. It gave me a frame-work of viewing the world in strong judgments. I was taught that while God loves all of us, you were either on the “straight and narrow path” to God or off the path and that there really was not a lot of in between, and because I loved God and wanted to be on God’s path I paid very close attention to what behaviors and beliefs were part of that path and what was not. That translated into me being very hard on myself, and unfortunately for others, I also judged them by that same stick.

It hurt me as much or more than it hurt those I judged and it was not sustainable. The thing that broke this bad habit of mine the most? Becoming an interior designer.

I never expected something like my profession to be the thing that made me a better person, but I guess it truly is the things that break you that help build you back up again, and working as an interior designer broke me.

In the first five years of working as an interior designer I was learning a lot through both mistakes and successes, and was getting a lot of feedback on both fronts. I had never been so visible to so many people in my life. Putting your work online, and also opening yourself up to your community to be “hired” or not was incredibly vulnerable for me and I continued to use that judgement stick of "good” or “bad” personal morality in this new area of my life.

In those first years I was not killing it in the design world. It was a slow growth that I deemed “bad” and that belief about myself and my output weighed heavier and heavier on me until I truly couldn’t take it anymore and I had a real “come to Jesus” moment. I was burned out and felt like a failure and I had two choices, I could keep my old beliefs, keep judging myself and stop working and lean back into my old life, or I could leave those beliefs about myself and others, make a lot of changes both professionally and personally, and start to love and value myself and my talents regardless of the feedback and keep pursuing them in a healthier way.

We all know what I chose, and I am so glad that I did. When I think back to this time of my life I joke that I was the Grinch (from How the Grinch Stole Christmas) and how my heart grew three sizes.

All of this to say…that the judging side of me, and all of us, is complex. That it is the fuel that has propelled both the very best of me and the very worst, but it’s a necessary part of us all.

Now I like to think of myself as a lover first, a judger second. That it is my love for this life, and for people, that I make considered decisions and opinions based on careful thought. Now my judgments for myself and for others is not based on personal morality, but rather based in generosity and love; focused on the output of myself and others, rather than them as a person. Is my output adding value, is it empowering or is it limiting and harmful?

I am much more comfortable today with the reality that you all are judging me. Right now as you are reading this, your mind is discerning whether you agree or not, and whether you like what I’m saying or not, and it’s okay with me if you don’t like what I’m saying. I’m just glad you have an opinion, because I know how important that is, and if it’s a thoughtful opinion I welcome hearing your thoughts because now what I hear when I get “negative feedback” is not that I’m not good enough but rather my output could use some work.

We are not the sum of the judgments of others, and making judgments is an essential part of life. It is the artist’s way to judge and critique, we just need to do it from a curious and generous come-from. I will continue to work on keeping my judgments of myself and others in a healthy place that helps rather than hurts, and I thank all of you for your feedback and your comments, both the compliments and the critiques…I am better because of both of them.

Sincerely,

Marianne